Buddhist Beliefs about Life and Death » Buddhist Teaching on Relationships and Sexuality

Relationships and the Five Precepts

The lesson Human Sexuality and Changing Relationships explained the general ideas, the law and the non-religious views. Here we look at what Buddhists teach.

Buddhism has no God who gives commands. Instead, Buddhists use training rules and qualities that help them reduce suffering for themselves and others. In The Five Precepts, the Value of Life and Abortion in Buddhism you met the Five Precepts. Three of them matter most for relationships:

• No sexual misconduct. This means avoiding sexual behaviour that causes harm. Examples are cheating on a partner, forcing someone, or using a person for selfish pleasure.
• No harm. The first precept (not taking life) is also about hurting people. Cruelty, violence and bullying inside a relationship all go against its spirit.
• No dishonesty. The fourth precept (no false speech) asks for honest words. Lies and secrets damage trust between partners, friends and family.

The key test in each case is harm. Buddhists ask: does this act cause suffering to me or to someone else? Is there honesty and care?

Key terms:

• Sexual misconduct: sexual behaviour that harms others or breaks trust, such as betrayal, force or using someone.
• Paramitas: the perfections or qualities Buddhists try to develop on the path to enlightenment.
• Lay Buddhist: a Buddhist who is not a monk or nun, and who usually has a job, may marry and may have a family.

The paramitas

The Five Precepts say what to avoid. The paramitas say what to build. Two lists are used, so always say which one you mean.

In relationships, these qualities show up in everyday ways. Generosity means giving time and care, not only gifts. Patience means not snapping when a partner or friend is tired or upset. Morality means keeping the precepts. Truthfulness and loving-kindness help a relationship stay honest and kind. Wisdom helps a person see when a wish is turning into something harmful.

Desire: natural, but able to become craving

Buddhism does not teach that sexual feelings are shameful or evil. They are a natural part of human life. The problem begins when desire turns into craving (tanha). In The Four Noble Truths: Dukkha and Tanha you learned that craving is the cause of suffering. Craving is a grasping that is never satisfied: "I must have this person", "I need more", "you belong to me".

So a Buddhist asks whether a relationship is driven by care or by clinging. Jealousy, possessiveness and using someone for pleasure are signs of craving. Warmth, loyalty and respect are signs of the paramitas at work. This is why Buddhists say the aim is not to switch feelings off, but to understand them and act wisely.

Lay people, monks and nuns

Different Buddhists have different expectations.

• Lay Buddhists are expected to keep the Five Precepts, including no sexual misconduct. They can have partners, marry and raise children. A faithful, caring family life is seen as a good way to practise.
• Monks and nuns follow stricter rules (the Vinaya) and give up sexual relationships altogether so that they can focus on the path. This is covered in Childlessness, Contraception and Celibacy in Buddhism.

On special days, some lay Buddhists also take extra training rules, which include celibacy for that day. The difference matters in the exam: a rule for monks does not mean every Buddhist must be celibate.

Heterosexuality and homosexuality

Buddhists generally see a committed, honest and caring relationship between a man and a woman as fine under the third precept, because the precept is about harm. On homosexuality, there is no single Buddhist ruling, because Buddhism has no one authority that speaks for everyone. Views vary between traditions, countries and teachers.

Buddhist teaching supports one point across traditions: prejudice and cruelty towards anyone go against the first precept and against compassion (karuna).

Humanist and atheist thought

Humanists and atheists believe relationships should be based on consent, happiness and no harm, without any religious rules. Buddhists can agree with a lot of this. Both stress freely given consent, kindness and avoiding harm.

The differences are in the reasons and the extra ideas. Buddhists add that actions have results through kamma, and that craving causes suffering even inside a consenting relationship. They also see relationships as a place to practise the paramitas on the path to nibbana. A Buddhist might reply to a humanist that consent is necessary but not enough: care, honesty and understanding of one's own desires matter too.

Changing patterns of relationships

Today more couples live together before marriage, people marry later and same-sex relationships are more widely accepted. Buddhists respond in different ways. Marriage in Buddhism is mainly a social and civil matter (see Marriage and the Householder in Buddhism), so many Buddhists do not treat living together as wrong in itself. They ask the same questions: is it honest, caring and free from harm? Others, especially more traditional Buddhists, prefer commitment within marriage. Many Buddhists say the quality of the relationship matters more than its label.

Recap

• The Five Precepts (no sexual misconduct, no harm, no dishonesty) guide relationships, and harm is the test.
• The paramitas, such as generosity, patience and wisdom, are qualities to build (six in Mahayana, ten in Theravada).
• Desire is natural; craving causes suffering.
• Lay people keep the Five Precepts; monks and nuns give up sexual relationships.
• There is no single ruling on homosexuality: many judge by harm and consent, some traditional teachers are more conservative.
• Buddhists share some ground with humanists but add kamma, craving and the path.

Exam-style question

(a) Identify three qualities that Buddhists try to develop in relationships. [3 marks]

(b) Choose one religion. Outline two teachings about relationships in this religion. [4 marks]

(c) Choose one religion. Explain why there are different attitudes to homosexuality in this religion. [6 marks]

(d) 'Consent and kindness are all that matter in a relationship.' Evaluate this statement, showing you have considered different points of view. In your answer you should refer to at least one religion. [12 marks]