Buddhist Beliefs about Life and Death » Marriage and the Householder in Buddhism

Marriage in Buddhism: a social matter

The lesson Marriage, Civil Partnership and Cohabitation explained the general ideas, the law and the non-religious views. Here we look at what Buddhists teach.

In many religions marriage is a sacred promise made before God. Buddhism has no creator God, and the Buddha did not lay down a religious wedding ceremony or say that everyone must marry. Marriage is seen as a social and civil matter. It is an agreement between two people, their families and society. There is no required religious ceremony, and the marriage itself is not a duty to the religion.

The purposes of marriage for Buddhists are practical and caring:

• to share love, companionship and support through life
• to bring up children and give them security
• to build a stable home that helps the wider community
• to practise kindness, patience and generosity every day

Key terms:

• Householder: a lay follower of the Buddha who lives in a home, works, supports a family and also supports the Sangha.
• Sigalovada Sutta: a text in which the Buddha explains to a young man called Sigala the duties people have to each other in daily life, including husbands and wives.
• Sangha (recap from Ultimate Reality in Buddhism: Do Gods Matter?): the Buddhist community. In this lesson it means the monks and nuns that householders support.

The householder

You met lay Buddhists in Buddhist Teaching on Relationships and Sexuality. A lay Buddhist who lives in the world and has a family is called a householder. Monks and nuns give up family life to focus on the path. Householders keep working and caring for a family. The Buddha taught that this is a valid way to follow his teaching, because everyday life gives many chances to practise kindness and honesty.

Duties in the Sigalovada Sutta

In the Sigalovada Sutta the Buddha gives a set of duties for different relationships. Marriage is one of them. In outline, each partner has duties to the other.

Notice that the duties go both ways and that faithfulness is asked of both partners. The text reflects the society of its time, when roles were more fixed. Many modern Buddhists keep the spirit of the teaching, which is respect, care and loyalty, and share the duties more equally. The roles and status of the partners are therefore based on mutual respect, not on one person ruling the other.

Avoiding causes of suffering to others

The main test Buddhists use for behaviour is whether it causes suffering to others. In Buddhist Teaching on Relationships and Sexuality you met the third precept (avoid sexual misconduct). In marriage it means faithfulness. Adultery breaks promises, destroys trust and brings pain to a partner, children and families. For this reason it is seen as a clear example of misconduct.

Buddhists do not usually treat a wedding certificate as the line between right and wrong. They look at harm and commitment, so the same questions are asked of every situation: is it honest, is it caring, and does it hurt anyone?

Sex outside marriage, cohabitation and same-sex marriage

• Sex outside marriage. Many Buddhists do not call pre-marital sex between two consenting, committed people wrong in itself, because no one is harmed, though more traditional teachers are stricter. Promiscuity (many casual partners) is often criticised because it can come from craving and can hurt people through dishonesty. Adultery is condemned because of the betrayal.
• Cohabitation. Couples living together without marrying are accepted by many Buddhists if they are faithful and committed. Others prefer marriage because it shows a public promise.
• Same-sex marriage. There is no single Buddhist view. Many Buddhists support it because the third precept is about harm, not about who loves whom. Some traditional teachers are more cautious. Prejudice and cruelty are still against compassion.

These attitudes vary because Buddhism has no single authority and because Buddhists live in many countries and cultures.

Recap

• Buddhists see marriage as a social and civil matter, not a sacrament or religious duty.
• Its purposes include love, companionship, raising children and a stable home.
• The householder supports a family and the Sangha.
• The Sigalovada Sutta gives duties to both husband and wife, including faithfulness.
• Behaviour is judged by whether it causes suffering to others; attitudes to sex outside marriage, cohabitation and same-sex marriage vary.

Exam-style question

(a) Identify three duties of a husband or wife in the Sigalovada Sutta. [3 marks]

(b) Choose one religion. Outline two teachings about marriage in this religion. [4 marks]

(c) Choose one religion. Explain why there are different attitudes to cohabitation in this religion. [6 marks]

(d) 'Marriage is the only right setting for a loving relationship.' Evaluate this statement, showing you have considered different points of view. In your answer you should refer to at least one religion. [12 marks]